weekend.

Weekend.

Good Morning Readers! I can already tell , I'm going to have my days all mixed up this week. Then again , I guess I always do . Anyway , I hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend! We had a super busy weekend , but had so much fun. 

Saturday , my best friend had me tag along with her and her step daughter to shop for a wedding dress ( her step daughter is getting married) Tyler took Cole for the day to do man stuff. I'm going to be honest , I was kind of dreading going . Ashley and Tyler made me go basically. I was worried I would be all day without the kids , I would end up panicking and just want to go home. That did not happen!! We all had such a fun day . We shopped , ate lunch . I actually bought clothes for myself ( haven't done that in ages) I found loads of toys and swimming gear for the kids at TJ Maxx. It was a much needed girls day . I haven't had one of those in years! Can I just say , sitting down to eat a meal without children is a dream. No fingers in your food, no one complaining because they don't like something . There's no crying , screaming , climbing or backwash in your drink . While I love my kids more than life itself , enjoying a meal without them was just wonderful. 

On Sunday , We loaded up and headed to my Mother in laws house. She lives about an hour and a half from us . I was looking forward to going , but a little sad/ emotional at the same time. The last time we went to her house , I was pregnant with Gracelynn . We had a good day , then I woke to a nightmare. A lot of feelings ran through my mind on our way there. Like I've said before , I get really anxious when I'm not at home , or at least close to home. Tyler brought wine with us to calm my nerves and relax me . I told you , he's a good man. We ate way to much delicious food , I drank a bottle of wine . The kids played with their cousins in the pool , we all sat around and talked. It was a great day. That evening , we were getting ready to head home , when Tyler got a phone call from Matt. He was calling to let us know that he was setting Gracelynn's headstone Monday morning and that we could come down while he did it. I was instantly excited. I have been waiting for her stone to finally be up . I've been looking forward to taking the kids to visit, planting flowers , and just having that final touch . 

As we were driving home , it was dark , around 9 PM . I was in the passenger seat , while Tyler was driving , the kids fell asleep in the back. It was quiet . It was just like the last time we drove home from Janet's . I just stared out the window , thinking. I could feel the tears building up and I tried so hard to control it. All of the sudden, I just started crying . More like sobbing. I couldn't stop. I couldn't control it. Tyler asked what was wrong . I kept saying I was fine. Like I always do. Finally he said I needed to talk to him and tell him what was wrong. I didn't really know though. I was just sad. This feeling of sadness just came over me so quickly . The feeling of missing Gracelynn desperately came over me . It was a feeling I had never felt before. I miss her every day , but this was different. I just wanted to hold her . I wanted to call Papaw and tell him about her stone being set in the morning , I wanted him to be there. Like he's always been. I cried because I picked up my phone , not thinking for a moment and then realizing I couldn't call him. It was just a big wave of grief coming over me . Like being trapped under water and not being able to catch my breath. 

Reality came over me . Everything was becoming real to me. My daughters headstone was being set. A headstone that Tyler and I carefully designed . We had been looking forward to this moment . Now that it was happening , it just felt sad. My baby died . She's gone . That is a hard thing to process ...and that night , it hit me. Everything hit me all at once. Papaw is gone , Gracelynn is gone. My heart literally felt like it was crumbling. I cried the entire drive home. I continued to cry once we got home. I cried myself to sleep . I cried Monday morning as I got ready to go to the cemetery. 

When we arrived , Lucy , Harper and Cole ran right over to Mamaw, Papaw and Gracelynn. We stood and watched Gracelynn's stone go up . I took pictures and tried my hardest to fight back tears. Tyler's Aunt Amy and Uncle Elton came down to see it as well. Her stone is perfect . It's beautiful just like her. It's small and dainty . Just like her. Harper left a pink bird toy on the stone , so Gracelynn would have a toy to take to heaven. Cole, being the ornery monster he is , almost knocked the stone over. When we were leaving , Harper said that Gracelynn's stone was the prettiest one there. And I have to agree . Later my Mom took pink tulips down , and they just complete everything. I can't want to plant some tulips there in the fall. We are still waiting on the picture to come in , the black and white photo of her feet will sit above her name on the front. 

We got home , there sat a cardinal on my porch . The wind chimes were softly playing . I think / hope it was Gracelynn letting us know she's okay. The kids spent the day playing in their new unicorn pool and sprinkler. Tyler worked on setting up our big pool and getting it ready. I played with the kids , we grilled out. Amy and Elton came up and hung out with us , my friend Ashley came over ( if I haven't mentioned it before , these people have a special place in my heart , without a doubt they are always there for us)  It ended up being a pretty decent day. I was still emotional , and little irritable . I get like that sometimes. Even though I feel crazy at times, I've been told it's normal. 

We had a great weekend. We spent time with family . It was an emotional weekend without a doubt . To be honest , I hope that part of it doesn't happen again for a while. Being so sad and crying is just exhausting . Reality hit big time for me, it caught me off guard . That's another thing I have no control over . It's hard to deal with my emotions with they hit me so fast . Remember those waves I talked about?  A big one knocked me down this past weekend. That's the thing about grief. You have good days and bad. Sometimes the bad days are really hard, you just have to push through and try your hardest to come out on the other side. I have no idea what I'm doing , I have no idea how to live with so much of my heart missing. I try things to help, I write about it , and I pray that I'll make it through . I just wing it every day and hope for the best. Honestly , that is the only thing I can do . 

until next time...

Tulips of Pink 

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