We were going to have a baby
Hello Readers ! First off , I just want to thank each and every one of you . I started this blog to help others and to help myself . Opening up to people has always been an issue for me , but since everything has happened , it’s actually helping me . Really I think it’s the only thing that helps . I’m not an expert in grief , I’m not an expert in dealing with infant loss . I’m just a mom who has lived through her worst nightmare . I’m a mom who grieves every day , cries everyday and thanks god everyday for what I do have . Being able to share our story with you all and receiving such kind feedback has been a blessing . I just want to thank you for allowing me to do this and for being a part of our journey ❤️
We were going to have a baby.
On March 4,2018 I woke up from surgery . I had IVs everywhere . I had people asking me “ do you know where you are ? “ and I couldn’t feel my tongue ( this really ticked me off ) . I looked around the room and saw Tyler . I was in the ICU . I was so thirsty , sore and tired . I tried taking a drink but I couldn’t feel the straw.
I was in the hospital for 4 days . I was given 9 units of blood , I was in a lot of pain physically , so they gave me pain medication through my IV . Our family was there with us , friends stopped by . My room was filled with beautiful flowers that people had sent . We were supposed to have a baby , it should have been a happy time . Instead , the room was filled with sadness , instead of our baby crying , it was us . The beautiful flowers had cards on them that said “ I’m so sorry for your loss” .
Due to the pain medication , I was in and out of it . I provided some entertainment for the staff and our visitors and family . To be honest I don’t really remember much . But I can tell you what I do remember .
I remember the moment that they brought our baby to us . A local photographer had come to the hospital to take pictures for us . ( I recommend having pictures . It may take a while to look at them . But you will cherish them . I do ) I remember asking what we had . The nurse said it’s a girl . I looked at Tyler and instantly started crying . Harper was wishing and praying for a baby sister , I knew this was going to break her heart . We instantly knew that her name would Gracelynn Jane . Named after my baby sister Ava Grace , my mamaw Vicki Lynn and my sister Sarah Jane . When they handed Gracelynn to me , she was so tiny and perfect . She had tons of dark hair , Harper and Coles nose , long fingers and toes . She looked a lot like me . She was wrapped in a beautiful handmade shawl. It was pink , green and blue . She had on a matching hat and was wrapped in her hospital blanket . I just remember crying . I held her , I kissed her and I just cried .
Pictures were taken of us , our family and ones just of Gracelynn. Our family was able to come back to my room and they all got to hold her . Our parents , grandparents , cousins , aunts and uncles all got to meet her . A few friends came and were able to hold her .
I remember a nurse , he shared his story with us about him and his wife having a miscarriage . He was so kind , he came to visit us on his day off. All of the staff treated us , our family and our baby with nothing but kindness and respect . They truly saved my life and they made this horrible experience a little more tolerable .
I remember my mom bringing Harper and my sister Ava ( who is 8 years old ) to the hospital one night to see me . Harper stayed in the room with Tyler and I , my mom and aunt took Ava somewhere else . I was so happy to see them . I missed Harper and Cole so much . I have never left them for that long and it was killing me . We decided to leave Cole with my father in law I believe so he didn’t come up .
As we sat together in the room . Harper was asking loads of questions . I don’t even remember what she said really , I was trying to work up the strength to tell her what had happened . I finally said , so Harper mommy and daddy have to tell you something . I just started crying and could barely speak . I said “ you know how mamaw Vicki went to heaven to be an angel ? She replied with a soft “yes” . I continued , I said “ well , the baby that was in mommy’s belly , she had to go to heaven so now she’s an angel “ . At this point , my pain medication had kicked in . I ended up falling asleep . I’m not sure how long I was out , but I woke up to Tyler reading a book to Harper . It’s a book that Autumn had brought to us called We were going to have a baby , but We had an angel instead .(link listed below) She recommended that we use it to help Harper understand . It’s a wonderful book , I highly recommend it. I looked at harper as she laid her head on Tyler’s chest and started to cry . What was left of my heart was just breaking into a thousand pieces . I felt so sorry for her . There was nothing I could do to take her pain away . As a mom , this is one of worst feelings .
The next thing I remember was Mike and Kevin , the funeral home directors , coming to my room. I remember my mom , aunt , Tyler’s Mom( I think ) and Tyler being there . I knew I wanted a funeral , I wanted her to be buried next to my grandma Vicki . My mom had already talked to my Papaw Rudy , he agreed that was where she should be . Everyone was talking and asking me questions . I was crying and just said “ I don’t know , I don’t know what to do. I didn’t plan on ever having to plan my daughters funeral .” That sentence just seems wrong to even type . Let alone to say out loud . Thankfully my mom , aunt and mother in law stepped in and took care of everything . And I mean everything ! They wrote Gracelynn’s obituary for us , they took care of the flowers , they dressed Gracelynn and they bought me a plain black dress to wear to her funeral.
While I was in the hospital , I was able to hold Gracelynn whenever I wanted . They kept her in the nursery and brought her down to me . At night , Tyler went to the nursery and rocked her .
While trying to deal with all of this , I had also just had a pretty extensive surgery . Let me tell ya , a c-section is no joke . To all of the mamas that proudly wear a scar , you are a total badass and don’t let anyone tell you differently. The pain was unreal , it was the worst pain I had ever experienced . I couldn’t stand on my own , I had to have the nurses roll me out of bed . The first time I got up , my lifelong friend ( who is an OB nurse at a different hospital) Bethany had come to visit . Physical therapy had come to my room to get me up . Bethany stepped in to help roll me . I just remember looking at her crying , saying how bad it was hurting and that I couldn’t do it . Her and my mom kept saying “ you can do this “ , “you will feel so much better once you get up “ . You don’t realize how much you use the muscles in your abdomen , until you can’t use them . I was finally able to get up and get to the walker . Tyler had to help me to the bathroom , he had to shower me , and dry me and dress me . I didn’t eat at all while I was there , even though everyone kept telling me I needed to . Actually I ended up having Tyler throw my food away when people weren’t looking , just so they would leave me alone .
The day we left the hospital was just sad . We were leaving without our baby . We were going home to the place where this nightmare had begun . I could barely walk , Tyler had to lift me into my van , I was so sad , numb and in so much pain. I asked that the funeral home waited until we left before they came to get Gracelynn. I couldn’t be there when they took her . That isn’t a memory I wanted to have .
We were going to have a baby . We ended up having an angel instead . Our sweet baby girl couldn’t come home with us . I don’t remember much , but I do remember every single moment with her . She was beautiful. I’m so thankful for our family , the hospital staff , our friends and the kind people in our community. Without them , I wouldn’t have made it through this difficult time .
Little did I know , that coming home was just the beginning of this nightmare that quickly became my reality .
Until Next Time ... ❤️
Tulips Of Pink
🌷
Have a beautiful day ❤️
Please subscribe, comment and share 👍
* if you have a story you would like to share , or simply need a person to be there . Send me an email , I would love to hear from you ! hayllismith5@gmail.com ( this is my private account)
We were going to have a baby , but we had an angel instead
We were going to have a baby.
On March 4,2018 I woke up from surgery . I had IVs everywhere . I had people asking me “ do you know where you are ? “ and I couldn’t feel my tongue ( this really ticked me off ) . I looked around the room and saw Tyler . I was in the ICU . I was so thirsty , sore and tired . I tried taking a drink but I couldn’t feel the straw.
I was in the hospital for 4 days . I was given 9 units of blood , I was in a lot of pain physically , so they gave me pain medication through my IV . Our family was there with us , friends stopped by . My room was filled with beautiful flowers that people had sent . We were supposed to have a baby , it should have been a happy time . Instead , the room was filled with sadness , instead of our baby crying , it was us . The beautiful flowers had cards on them that said “ I’m so sorry for your loss” .
Due to the pain medication , I was in and out of it . I provided some entertainment for the staff and our visitors and family . To be honest I don’t really remember much . But I can tell you what I do remember .
I remember the moment that they brought our baby to us . A local photographer had come to the hospital to take pictures for us . ( I recommend having pictures . It may take a while to look at them . But you will cherish them . I do ) I remember asking what we had . The nurse said it’s a girl . I looked at Tyler and instantly started crying . Harper was wishing and praying for a baby sister , I knew this was going to break her heart . We instantly knew that her name would Gracelynn Jane . Named after my baby sister Ava Grace , my mamaw Vicki Lynn and my sister Sarah Jane . When they handed Gracelynn to me , she was so tiny and perfect . She had tons of dark hair , Harper and Coles nose , long fingers and toes . She looked a lot like me . She was wrapped in a beautiful handmade shawl. It was pink , green and blue . She had on a matching hat and was wrapped in her hospital blanket . I just remember crying . I held her , I kissed her and I just cried .
Pictures were taken of us , our family and ones just of Gracelynn. Our family was able to come back to my room and they all got to hold her . Our parents , grandparents , cousins , aunts and uncles all got to meet her . A few friends came and were able to hold her .
I remember a nurse , he shared his story with us about him and his wife having a miscarriage . He was so kind , he came to visit us on his day off. All of the staff treated us , our family and our baby with nothing but kindness and respect . They truly saved my life and they made this horrible experience a little more tolerable .
I remember my mom bringing Harper and my sister Ava ( who is 8 years old ) to the hospital one night to see me . Harper stayed in the room with Tyler and I , my mom and aunt took Ava somewhere else . I was so happy to see them . I missed Harper and Cole so much . I have never left them for that long and it was killing me . We decided to leave Cole with my father in law I believe so he didn’t come up .
As we sat together in the room . Harper was asking loads of questions . I don’t even remember what she said really , I was trying to work up the strength to tell her what had happened . I finally said , so Harper mommy and daddy have to tell you something . I just started crying and could barely speak . I said “ you know how mamaw Vicki went to heaven to be an angel ? She replied with a soft “yes” . I continued , I said “ well , the baby that was in mommy’s belly , she had to go to heaven so now she’s an angel “ . At this point , my pain medication had kicked in . I ended up falling asleep . I’m not sure how long I was out , but I woke up to Tyler reading a book to Harper . It’s a book that Autumn had brought to us called We were going to have a baby , but We had an angel instead .(link listed below) She recommended that we use it to help Harper understand . It’s a wonderful book , I highly recommend it. I looked at harper as she laid her head on Tyler’s chest and started to cry . What was left of my heart was just breaking into a thousand pieces . I felt so sorry for her . There was nothing I could do to take her pain away . As a mom , this is one of worst feelings .
The next thing I remember was Mike and Kevin , the funeral home directors , coming to my room. I remember my mom , aunt , Tyler’s Mom( I think ) and Tyler being there . I knew I wanted a funeral , I wanted her to be buried next to my grandma Vicki . My mom had already talked to my Papaw Rudy , he agreed that was where she should be . Everyone was talking and asking me questions . I was crying and just said “ I don’t know , I don’t know what to do. I didn’t plan on ever having to plan my daughters funeral .” That sentence just seems wrong to even type . Let alone to say out loud . Thankfully my mom , aunt and mother in law stepped in and took care of everything . And I mean everything ! They wrote Gracelynn’s obituary for us , they took care of the flowers , they dressed Gracelynn and they bought me a plain black dress to wear to her funeral.
While I was in the hospital , I was able to hold Gracelynn whenever I wanted . They kept her in the nursery and brought her down to me . At night , Tyler went to the nursery and rocked her .
While trying to deal with all of this , I had also just had a pretty extensive surgery . Let me tell ya , a c-section is no joke . To all of the mamas that proudly wear a scar , you are a total badass and don’t let anyone tell you differently. The pain was unreal , it was the worst pain I had ever experienced . I couldn’t stand on my own , I had to have the nurses roll me out of bed . The first time I got up , my lifelong friend ( who is an OB nurse at a different hospital) Bethany had come to visit . Physical therapy had come to my room to get me up . Bethany stepped in to help roll me . I just remember looking at her crying , saying how bad it was hurting and that I couldn’t do it . Her and my mom kept saying “ you can do this “ , “you will feel so much better once you get up “ . You don’t realize how much you use the muscles in your abdomen , until you can’t use them . I was finally able to get up and get to the walker . Tyler had to help me to the bathroom , he had to shower me , and dry me and dress me . I didn’t eat at all while I was there , even though everyone kept telling me I needed to . Actually I ended up having Tyler throw my food away when people weren’t looking , just so they would leave me alone .
The day we left the hospital was just sad . We were leaving without our baby . We were going home to the place where this nightmare had begun . I could barely walk , Tyler had to lift me into my van , I was so sad , numb and in so much pain. I asked that the funeral home waited until we left before they came to get Gracelynn. I couldn’t be there when they took her . That isn’t a memory I wanted to have .
We were going to have a baby . We ended up having an angel instead . Our sweet baby girl couldn’t come home with us . I don’t remember much , but I do remember every single moment with her . She was beautiful. I’m so thankful for our family , the hospital staff , our friends and the kind people in our community. Without them , I wouldn’t have made it through this difficult time .
Little did I know , that coming home was just the beginning of this nightmare that quickly became my reality .
Until Next Time ... ❤️
Tulips Of Pink
🌷
Please subscribe, comment and share 👍
* if you have a story you would like to share , or simply need a person to be there . Send me an email , I would love to hear from you ! hayllismith5@gmail.com ( this is my private account)
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