Different.

May 22, 2018

Different.

Good Evening readers! Today has been a crazy day . Cole and I had to go to town this afternoon to run a few errands. Going to town is my least favorite thing right now. Unless I can use a drive-thru
for everything , count me out. Well , today I had no choice. I was out of milk , dog food and diapers ! So a trip to Walmart wasn't something I could put off. We ended up stopping to get Cole's haircut
( thank you Shelly!) That is quite a task let me tell ya. Now Cole will be two the end of June ...He is a big boy ..I mean literally , he is freaking huge. He's very close to outgrowing Harper , who is five. I was covered in sweat and hair by time we left . Trying to hold that little monster still was a total body workout. Tomorrow , the kids and I will be headed to the zoo with my mom and Ava. This was a spontaneous trip ..she asked me on Monday to go ( yes, that is considered spontaneous to me ) I think it will be fun , and I know the kids will have a blast. I just hope my anxiety stays under control . Thoughts of animals escaping and eating us have already crossed my mind. I mean ..it could happen .

Different.

The last few weeks I have been thinking how different my life is now. It's like a whole new life. Now , when I refer to the past or my old self , I always say before Gracelynn. I was a different person before Gracelynn. I was happy, I laughed a lot. I smiled more and didn't let sad things bother me . I held myself together all the time. I didn't cry often , I didn't talk about my emotions much. I was just different. I'm kinda bummed that some of you didn't know her.

Now everything is different. I cry a lot. Pretty much every night . Sometimes I'll cry in the shower , so no one will see. I cry in the car , I wake in the middle of night to cry alone on my porch . I talk about her all the time. It's helps me . I know that it's my job to keep her memory alive . She is part of our family , Harper and Cole's sister , our daughter and unfortunately our angel. Some people feel like saying her name to me is going to make me sad or something. Trust me , that is the best thing you can do . Ask me about her , say her name , say something. In all honesty , avoiding the topic is just awkward . I'm sure I make some people uncomfortable when I talk , and I'm sorry if I ever do , but how can I not talk about it?

My husband is that way . He and I grieve so differently. He doesn't like talking about her , what happened , my grandpa ..nothing. I worried about this . People told us at the hospital to make sure we grieve together ,and apart . We need to be there for each other , this can put a strain on a marriage . They said we would have to talk and work together in order to not let it tear us apart. They were right. It's hard. Sometimes , I get so irritated with him for no reason . For example , his breathing. It's annoying to me. Usually I don't say anything about it , it's just one of those things you don't notice after a while. Like snoring ...dear god the snoring . Like nails on a freaking chalkboard. Anyway .. as I was saying , I would just take everything out on him for no reason. He would do the same to me as well. We are both still guilty of this every once in a while , but we're working on it. I think it's just that we have both been so consumed with sadness, anger and grief that we just lash out at each other because it's easier . There for a while I thought he was mad at me , I blamed myself for losing Gracelynn and I assumed he did to .Thankfully that was not the case , he just didn't want to talk to me about anything because he was afraid to upset me.

I get why he is more angry than me . He couldn't do anything to save Gracelynn or me . He almost lost his wife that day. He bathed me , dressed me , held me as I crumbled into pieces . He was the strong one , holding everything together . It actually took him a while to read this blog. I've wrote things and shared things with you all that I've never said out loud. Things I've never said to him or my friends or family.

Our first support group meeting came , I was so happy that Tyler wanted to go too. It made me feel more calm and safe knowing he was coming with me . It was such a great experience. We learned that us grieving differently is totally normal. Dads, men in general just handle things differently than women. When we left that night , as soon as we got in the car , we both said how much better we felt . We felt good , relaxed and actually talked about Gracelynn on the way home. It was nice.

Speaking of the Support group , It is something I highly recommend attending . I've only gone to one meeting , but it was helpful. Heck , even before I went , I had been talking to the women Autumn ( i wrote about her in my post Tricky Business ) for weeks. She came to the hospital , texted me . She has just helped us , and especially me in so many ways. When we were planning Gracelynn's funeral arrangements , I asked that rather than flowers , people could donate to the support group in Gracelynn's name. I wanted to help others, the way so many were helping us. It just seemed perfect , something good was coming out of this tragedy.

Now things are just different. I'm different. My husband is different. Our marriage is different. It's stronger. I feel like I'm a better mom to Harper and Cole. I know that things can change in a moment. I've learned to not take things for granted . Life may be different now , sometimes it's sad . But we have been blessed in so many other ways . I would give anything to have our baby here with us. At the same time I'm thankful to be alive. I've been able to be home with Harper and Cole , as a friend from group brought to my attention the other night , I believe that is a gift from Gracelynn. Without her , I wouldn't have been able to be off work for so long.

I found the quote below and decided to share. While I'm no where close to feeling this bliss , it is a goal I work towards every day .

Until next time ...

Tulips of Pink