Change.
Good Morning readers ! I hope you all are having a great day so far . Thank goodness it's Thursday ! I don't know about you , but I feel like this has been the longest week ever. I'm looking forward to the weekend and having Tyler and Harper home all day . I miss them while they are at work and school .
Change.
The first week home , after Gracelynn's funeral was the worst . As I said in my previous post , I used to hate change. It would give me horrible anxiety . From changing a paint color , to changing jobs . Big or small , I hated change. I also used to not really like flowers . Tyler has bought me flowers a few times , finally I had to tell him the truth . To me , they were a waste of money . They just die . I absolutely despise roses, they remind me of funerals . I do love wild flowers though , Tyler has stopped and picked some for me countless times on his way home from work. I think another reason I didn't like flowers was because I kill them. I mean I could kill a plastic plant if I set my mind to it . My mom , my aunt and even my grandpa have green thumbs . They always have beautiful flowers inside and outside . That skill didn't get passed to me I suppose.
Now , now it is a different story. That week , I made plans to change everything in my house . We repainted , new decorations went up , new furniture . Outside , my mom , step dad and Tyler tore down an old building at our house . They worked for a couple days , cleaning up and rebuilding a small space for our cows. I even ventured outside and sat in a chair to watch them . Mainly I sat there to listen to them . Sitting inside alone was too quiet . Even now , the noise of others talking is soothing to me . weird right ? I spent my days looking on Pinterest , reading blogs about infant loss and grief . At that point in time , it didn't help much. Harper and I were planning a memorial garden for Gracelynn here at our house . I looked at different flowers we could plant. We are still planning , I want to plant pink tulips and some white flowers , maybe something soft pink in color as well . Anyone have any ideas ? please , pass them along !
I guess this is a good time to also tell you all where the name Tulips of Pink came from . At Gracelynn's funeral , my Aunt Suzanne had found hot pink tulips . They sat next to Gracelynn in a beautiful blue vase. Tyler laid a tulip in the casket with her . Now pink tulips just hold a special place in my heart . I think of Gracelynn every time I see one. I found some artificial silk tulips on amazon , I keep them in the vase my aunt bought . Once I get Gracelynn's shadow box hung I plan to keep them on a shelf next to it. I'll post the link below for amazon . These flowers are beautiful and so real looking , and they were a great price ! Since Gracelynn is my inspiration for this blog , I thought Tulips of Pink was the perfect name.
Making changes has helped me in a way . My life has changed in a big way , it only makes sense that I change the things around me as well . It's something that I have control over . I think that is the part that is therapeutic to me. If you're fighting the battle of grief and loss , sometimes it helps to focus on what you DO have control over rather than what you don't.
That Friday , March 16th . It was a beautiful sunny morning . Tyler and I were sitting in the living room talking when my phone started ringing. It was papaw Rudy calling me. I answered the phone with a normal Hello . Then I heard a women's voice saying " Haylli". I instantly stopped , my heart fell to my feet as I replied with " oh my god , whats wrong" . The women said that she had just found papaw , unresponsive , in his chair in the kitchen . She told me that she called 911 and needed Tyler to get over there. Before I could say anything Tyler was out the door and in his truck . I don't think he even put a shirt on . I called my Aunt and my mom , telling them what was happening . They both rushed over to papaws house.
I just sat there , waiting to hear what was going on. I cried and I prayed . I prayed for God to please not do this to us . I prayed that papaw would be okay . I just cried and I prayed. Later, I found out that it was my cousin Mary ( sis) who called me from papaws phone.
I didn't know what the next week had in store for our family. More changes were coming and I , once again had no control over anything.
Change . Change is inevitable. It breaks us , it helps us . Sometimes we have no control over what changes in our lives. Sometimes you just have to have faith . I know that's easier said than done ..trust me . Then there are times that change is good . Like repainting your living room or planting a flower. It can give you comfort , it can give you a moment of peace .
Until Next Time ...
Tulips of Pink
Content and Photos Owned and Created by Haylli Smith { tulipsofpink.com}
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