Thoughts.

Good Morning readers! It's Thursday! That alone is something to be excited about. I'm personally looking forward to the long weekend . Do you have any fun plans for the holiday weekend ? Any traditions ? I'd love to hear from you! 

 So as you can see , I survived the zoo trip yesterday. The kids were so good , they had so much fun . Most of the animals were up playing and walking around. We got a show from a polar bear , he was showing off in the water. It was pretty cool. We got to see the lion up close , the elephants were out , and the bears were napping right up against the glass. It was a beautiful day , sunny , breezy and not really hot. It really was the perfect day for the zoo. And , I didn't get eaten by any animals . So that's always a plus !

Thoughts.

Today is kind of an all over the place post. So please, try to stay with me. ( I already warned you about my "scaterness", you can't say I didn't ) . I have a lot on my mind today , more so than usual. It seems as though the closer we get to my due date , the more sad I become. Yesterday , when we were at the zoo , I saw so many pregnant women. They looked beautiful and glowing . Like most mama's to be do. Now , most people think that seeing a baby bothers me . It doesn't . Babies are a blessing and seeing another baby doesn't make me sad or jealous. That baby isn't Gracelynn . I don't want another baby , I only want her. Pregnant women usually don't bother me . Again , I know that's not Gracelynn . But , yesterday it made me sad. In a perfect world , I would have that big baby bump. I would have the glowing skin . I would be getting ready to bring our baby into the world. I wonder constantly what it would be like , to have that dream of a perfect world become a reality . 

My sister-in-law Emily , and brother-in-law Ian were expecting their second child.  Her due date was April 16, 2018. I remember this because it's our wedding anniversary. When I was in the hospital , they were there. It's strange, the only person I remember seeing when I would wake up was Emily. She is the only person I remember crying. Even today , I still remember the sadness in her eyes. I remember her just staring at me , crying . Her face was pale , her eyes puffy from the tears , but she still had that beautiful glow. I couldn't imagine what she was feeling. Something like this , it hits close to home. Watching us lose a baby , as they are about to bring theirs into the world. I'm sure she worried , I know if the roles were reversed , I would. She was so strong . She was by our side through it all. She was at the funeral , hung out with us for a while afterwards at my moms. She texted me often to check on me , to let me know she was there.She came over to visit , the kids played together. She's just been there.  Her and I haven't been super close , but this has brought us so much closer. It's strange. I admire the strength that she has shown . I know none of this has been easy on her .

On April 9, 2018 she gave birth to handsome , healthy perfect little boy. He is so sweet. I didn't go to the hospital , and it actually took me a little bit to go see them. I was worried about how I would feel to be honest. This was the first time I was going hold a baby , since the last time I held Gracelynn. I almost felt guilty in a way .I never thought I would hold another baby again.  I can still feel her in my arms sometimes . I didn't want that memory to be replaced. 

When I first met my new nephew , I instantly wanted to hold him. I didn't cry like I thought I would. He was so small , smelled like a newborn ( the most wonderful , intoxicating smell), and fit perfectly into my arms. I held him for a while , I almost didn't want to give him back. When we left their house , Tyler asked if I was okay. I told him I was , I was just thinking about Gracelynn . I wondered what it would be like to have her here. They would have been close in age , so I know as Holden grows , I'm always going to wonder about Gracelynn . 

I've always loved babies , even when I was little . I could just sit and rock a baby for hours . I never got to rock Gracelynn , that is something that I cry about every day. I've rocked Harper and Cole , I still do sometimes . It breaks my heart knowing I never got the chance to with her.  In the hospital , I couldn't get out of bed to sit in a rocking chair , now I look back and wish that I would have. I should have just ignored the pain and rocked my baby. At the funeral, I held her and kissed her . I didn't want to give her back to God. I wanted to just sit and hold her forever. It just breaks me knowing I'll never get to hold her again . I'll never get to soothe her cry , nurse her , or smell that newborn smell . 

The other day , I picked Harper up from the bus stop. On our way home , she said "mom , what color are Gracelynn's eyes?" As I said " I don't know " a tear rolled down my cheek. That's sad. I never thought about that until Harper asked me. I wonder what color her eyes are. Were they blue , like Harper , Cole and Tyler ? Or would she have my green eyes? She had tons of dark hair , like me .. would her eyes be like mine too? That's a strange thing to wonder. It's just sad that I'll never know the answer. Harper told me , she's pretty sure they are blue , she would look so beautiful with dark hair like mine and blue eyes like hers. I like that , so in my mind that is what I picture. 

 When you lose a child , you have that initial loss that breaks you. The unimaginable has happened . It is without a doubt the worst pain a parent can go through. Every day after that loss , breaks you even more. You are stuck spending the rest of your life missing that child. You wonder every single day . You wonder who they would have been . I wonder what Gracelynn's personality would be like . Would she be wild like Harper and Cole ? Would she be calm and quiet. I wonder what her cry would sound like , the color of her eyes . I spend my days wondering. It's not fair . I still don't understand why I had to give her back. I'm left with a lifetime of wonder and grief ...that is a hard pill to swallow. 

Due to my health , and just everything that has happened . Tyler and I have decided we don't want anymore children . We think three is perfect. Honestly , me almost dying , and losing Gracelynn ..it's just not worth it to me to possibly go through this again . Tyler agrees. There is a possibility that I could carry another baby , but it's risky and having that risk of another child of mine dying is just not a risk I'm willing to take. Due to me carrying the Factor V Leiden gene , I am not able to be on any type of birth control or have a surgery to tie my tubes. So , Tyler will be getting a vasectomy very soon. He's already dreading it..I've reassured him that if I can go through hours of labor ( 18 with Cole , 32 with Harper ) and a C-section with Gracelynn , he can handle a little snip . 

I am now a bereaved mother . That's strange to say. I live my life with a piece of me missing. It's hard , it's sad, it's wondering so many things that sadly , I'll never know the answers to. I'll never get to hold my baby again. I'll never get to rock her. I'll never know the color of her eyes , the sound of her cry. Instead of having my baby , God gave me a lifetime of wonder instead. I smile through the tears , pretend that I'm okay and doing better. Grief , I don't think it gets easier ..I just get better at hiding the sadness that consumes me. 

If you haven't lost a child , you don't get it . People will never understand the pain you experience every single day . Try not to get upset with them . People have said the wrong things to me countless times , not on purpose , they were just trying to help. My advice to the bereaved mothers ( and fathers) is just to be patient with others. If they haven't lost a child , they aren't going to understand . No one will ever have the perfect thing to say or do to make you feel better. Truth is , you aren't going to feel better. You are going to have good days and bad ones , you are going to get really good at saying " I'm okay " and really , really good at faking a smile. I do it every single day. I know that it's okay to not be okay . Some days I just don't want to deal with it . The sadness and grief. So I smile , and I say "I'm okay" when people ask how I'm doing. It's okay to lie. It's okay to fake a smile. You are only human , sometimes you just need a break. 

If you are going through pregnancy loss or infant loss , my advice is to talk to someone who has been through it. Find a support group in your area. I'm telling you , it helps. It helps knowing you aren't crazy or alone. It helps talking to someone who gets why seeing a pregnant women makes you want to burst into tears. If you don't know where to start , ask your OB/GYN if they could point you in the right direction. You are not alone. You need people that have been where you are . You need to talk and confide in someone. Seriously , you can email me if you need to . My email is private , I'm the only one that has access . I'm not an expert by any means , and I'm still trying to figure this all out..but I'm here for you if you need someone. Whatever you share with me is private and won't be shared on Tulips of Pink or with anyone else. 

I hope you all have a great day . Thank you all again for your support and letting me put my life out there. 

Until next time...

Tulips of Pink

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