Loss. Part 2
Good afternoon Readers ! I hope you all enjoyed your Mother’s Day . I had a wonderful day with my family ❤️
I’m posting later than normal today . I just can’t wake up today for some reason. I didn’t sleep well last night . I feel like a nap will be in my future !
Loss. Part 2
Last night , I put the kids to bed . I did my normal nightly routine. I set out clothes for the next day . I put my last load of laundry in the washer . Then I sat on my front porch and cried . I had a great day. I didn’t cry one time . The nights are always the hardest for me. I usually cry every single night. It’s quiet , everyone is asleep and there isn’t anything to occupy my mind . So, I think. I think about Gracelynn. I think about everything that has happened since that day . So much replays in my mind . I just miss her . Last night was rough . My eyes filled with tears . It was my first Mother’s Day as a mom of an Angel . Part of me was missing . It’s a weird feeling , feeling blessed for what you have , while longing for what’s missing . That’s where the guilt comes in . Like I said in my post, Tricky Business, I fight this battle everyday.
To me , there are two parts to loss. Part 1 , the initial loss. And part 2 , learning how to live after a loss. Nothing can ever prepare you for either . I feel as though I’m learning to live a new life . Nothing will ever be the same again. Our lives have changed , learning to navigate your way through grief , is like trying to navigate the Bermuda Triangle. I’ve read other blogs , I’ve read books , I’ve talked to people who have been through the same type of loss . I’ve done my research . But still , I feel lost most of the time . I’ve learned through my research that it’s okay to be lost . Nothing and know one can prepare you for losing a child. I have found that I just have to take the day as it comes . It’s what works for me , most of the time . I know that I’m going to have good days , and I will have really hard days . I think of it as riding a wave . You just take it as it comes and try not to panic when you get pulled under .
The days following Gracelynn’s funeral were the hardest . I was still in shock . I was lost , numb , sad and angry. I cried because it just wasn’t fair. Why us? Why Gracelynn? I cried to Tyler , I cried to my mom , my aunt , my mother in law . I just completely broke down. My body was sore , it was bruised so badly . My legs and feet still swollen, it hurt to move . It hurt to walk. Since losing Gracelynn, I’ve felt like the wind has been knocked out of me . I haven’t been able to catch my breath since .
One night , Tyler noticed that my thigh was purple. I had him take a picture and I sent it to my mom and my aunt . I was being watched very closely for blood clots . I was on blood thinners , iron supplements , wearing my compression stockings. But this bruise was huge . My aunt sent the picture to one of her friends who is an Ob nurse to ask her opinion . My leg didn’t hurt , it was just a giant bruise . I decided to just wait for my check up I had scheduled that Monday . I remember my mom and aunt texting me saying “ your poor body “ , I wrote back , that it wouldn’t be so bad if I had my baby to hold.
I wasn’t sleeping at all , I would stay awake all night . Which does make you feel worse . I felt like I was going crazy , like I had lost my mind . My body was just filled with pain and sadness . It was like I couldn’t function .
My aunt signed us up for a meal train . People signed up through Facebook and we had a delicious dinner brought to us every night . The food was amazing , me not having to cook or do dishes was amazing , and the company . It was my favorite part. Having people around was the ONLY thing that helped me . I highly recommend using @MealTrain ( you can find them on Facebook or click link below) .
That Monday , I had my first appointment with one of my doctors following my cesarean. I was so emotional . I was leaving my house , this gave me such horrible anxiety. To be honest , it still does .. okay I hate leaving my house . I still couldn’t walk well on my own . My mom and Tyler had to wheel me up to my appointment. I had to wear slippers , my feet were still swollen. I sat in the waiting room , praying I didn’t see anyone that I knew . I prayed I didn’t see a pregnant women or a new baby.
While talking to my doctor , I cried . Asking why this happened . We discussed changing my medication . She stated that I needed something for my depression. I had postpartum depression after having Cole . We wanted to make sure I didn’t develop it again , on top of grieving . She also wrote me a prescription for Xanax. This was to help my anxiety and to help me sleep at night . The other medication they sent me home with from the hospital wasn’t helping me sleep clearly. She examined my incision, and checked out my massive bruise. She told me everything looked great . The healing process was going to be a little longer for me , they were so rough on me during surgery , it would take about 12-16 weeks to fully heal. She hugged me , my mom and Tyler . She told me it would get easier . I wouldn’t be like this forever. She said a good nights sleep would do wonders , and she was right ! That night I actually slept all night for the first time in a week . I felt so much better
Loss. Part 2 . I wish there were a handbook . A step by step guide . A map to lead you through . This is the hard part . This is the part where you have to pick up the broken pieces and start your new life . It sucks . Unfortunately, there is no guide . No one can tell you how to grieve . Everyone is different . I take it one day at a time . I cry at night while my family sleeps and I cry every day in the shower. I talk about Gracelynn and I pray every night . I choose to have faith . I have faith that there is a reason God needed Gracelynn back . There’s a reason that we couldn’t keep her. There’s a reason he is doing this to us . I choose to believe in signs from heaven . A penny heads up , a cardinal or a sunny day . It gives me comfort. I write in a journal , I write letters to Harper , Cole and Gracelynn. These things help me . They may help you . I chose to share our story . Having a support system helps , whether it be a professional, family and friends or a support group. I recommend them all.
Grief comes in waves , I think it always will.
This is the hard part . Learning to live without a piece of your heart. It does get easier as you navigate your way through . Don’t be afraid to talk , don’t be afraid to ask for help. You don’t have to be alone and you shouldn’t be.
Until next time ...
Tulips of Pink
🌷
I’m posting later than normal today . I just can’t wake up today for some reason. I didn’t sleep well last night . I feel like a nap will be in my future !
Loss. Part 2
Last night , I put the kids to bed . I did my normal nightly routine. I set out clothes for the next day . I put my last load of laundry in the washer . Then I sat on my front porch and cried . I had a great day. I didn’t cry one time . The nights are always the hardest for me. I usually cry every single night. It’s quiet , everyone is asleep and there isn’t anything to occupy my mind . So, I think. I think about Gracelynn. I think about everything that has happened since that day . So much replays in my mind . I just miss her . Last night was rough . My eyes filled with tears . It was my first Mother’s Day as a mom of an Angel . Part of me was missing . It’s a weird feeling , feeling blessed for what you have , while longing for what’s missing . That’s where the guilt comes in . Like I said in my post, Tricky Business, I fight this battle everyday.
To me , there are two parts to loss. Part 1 , the initial loss. And part 2 , learning how to live after a loss. Nothing can ever prepare you for either . I feel as though I’m learning to live a new life . Nothing will ever be the same again. Our lives have changed , learning to navigate your way through grief , is like trying to navigate the Bermuda Triangle. I’ve read other blogs , I’ve read books , I’ve talked to people who have been through the same type of loss . I’ve done my research . But still , I feel lost most of the time . I’ve learned through my research that it’s okay to be lost . Nothing and know one can prepare you for losing a child. I have found that I just have to take the day as it comes . It’s what works for me , most of the time . I know that I’m going to have good days , and I will have really hard days . I think of it as riding a wave . You just take it as it comes and try not to panic when you get pulled under .
The days following Gracelynn’s funeral were the hardest . I was still in shock . I was lost , numb , sad and angry. I cried because it just wasn’t fair. Why us? Why Gracelynn? I cried to Tyler , I cried to my mom , my aunt , my mother in law . I just completely broke down. My body was sore , it was bruised so badly . My legs and feet still swollen, it hurt to move . It hurt to walk. Since losing Gracelynn, I’ve felt like the wind has been knocked out of me . I haven’t been able to catch my breath since .
One night , Tyler noticed that my thigh was purple. I had him take a picture and I sent it to my mom and my aunt . I was being watched very closely for blood clots . I was on blood thinners , iron supplements , wearing my compression stockings. But this bruise was huge . My aunt sent the picture to one of her friends who is an Ob nurse to ask her opinion . My leg didn’t hurt , it was just a giant bruise . I decided to just wait for my check up I had scheduled that Monday . I remember my mom and aunt texting me saying “ your poor body “ , I wrote back , that it wouldn’t be so bad if I had my baby to hold.
I wasn’t sleeping at all , I would stay awake all night . Which does make you feel worse . I felt like I was going crazy , like I had lost my mind . My body was just filled with pain and sadness . It was like I couldn’t function .
My aunt signed us up for a meal train . People signed up through Facebook and we had a delicious dinner brought to us every night . The food was amazing , me not having to cook or do dishes was amazing , and the company . It was my favorite part. Having people around was the ONLY thing that helped me . I highly recommend using @MealTrain ( you can find them on Facebook or click link below) .
That Monday , I had my first appointment with one of my doctors following my cesarean. I was so emotional . I was leaving my house , this gave me such horrible anxiety. To be honest , it still does .. okay I hate leaving my house . I still couldn’t walk well on my own . My mom and Tyler had to wheel me up to my appointment. I had to wear slippers , my feet were still swollen. I sat in the waiting room , praying I didn’t see anyone that I knew . I prayed I didn’t see a pregnant women or a new baby.
While talking to my doctor , I cried . Asking why this happened . We discussed changing my medication . She stated that I needed something for my depression. I had postpartum depression after having Cole . We wanted to make sure I didn’t develop it again , on top of grieving . She also wrote me a prescription for Xanax. This was to help my anxiety and to help me sleep at night . The other medication they sent me home with from the hospital wasn’t helping me sleep clearly. She examined my incision, and checked out my massive bruise. She told me everything looked great . The healing process was going to be a little longer for me , they were so rough on me during surgery , it would take about 12-16 weeks to fully heal. She hugged me , my mom and Tyler . She told me it would get easier . I wouldn’t be like this forever. She said a good nights sleep would do wonders , and she was right ! That night I actually slept all night for the first time in a week . I felt so much better
Loss. Part 2 . I wish there were a handbook . A step by step guide . A map to lead you through . This is the hard part . This is the part where you have to pick up the broken pieces and start your new life . It sucks . Unfortunately, there is no guide . No one can tell you how to grieve . Everyone is different . I take it one day at a time . I cry at night while my family sleeps and I cry every day in the shower. I talk about Gracelynn and I pray every night . I choose to have faith . I have faith that there is a reason God needed Gracelynn back . There’s a reason that we couldn’t keep her. There’s a reason he is doing this to us . I choose to believe in signs from heaven . A penny heads up , a cardinal or a sunny day . It gives me comfort. I write in a journal , I write letters to Harper , Cole and Gracelynn. These things help me . They may help you . I chose to share our story . Having a support system helps , whether it be a professional, family and friends or a support group. I recommend them all.
Grief comes in waves , I think it always will.
This is the hard part . Learning to live without a piece of your heart. It does get easier as you navigate your way through . Don’t be afraid to talk , don’t be afraid to ask for help. You don’t have to be alone and you shouldn’t be.
Until next time ...
Tulips of Pink
🌷
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