Field trip . Interrupted.

Field Trip . Interrupted. 

Good evening readers! I hope you all had a wonderful Thursday! Harper had her first field trip today . Tyler and I were able to go , which was awesome. We went to a hands on museum .. the kids had a blast . Luckily my mom kept Cole , so we got to enjoy a day with just Harper . That doesn’t happen often . We had such a great time , we came home and spent the rest of the day in the pool . Talk about a good day ! 

I’ve been really emotional the past couple weeks . I’ve cried a lot , been irritable , and just down. More so than usual . I think it’s because we are getting close to my due date . A couple women I know are due around the same time .. they are all having their babies . I’ve looked at pictures on Facebook and enjoy seeing their beautiful babies . I don’t cry , I don’t feel jealous . Like I’ve said before , it’s not my baby . So I guess seeing a baby doesn’t bother me because it’s not Gracelynn. 

Today , for some odd reason , I noticed a new Mom with her newborn daughter . The mom looked so comfortable , she was nursing her baby and wore her around in one of the sling ring type wraps. She looked so happy and at peace . I noticed her baby , small , dainty and lots of dark brown hair. 

I’m sure she probably thought I was a weirdo , as I kept staring. Finally , I just felt this sadness come over me and I went to the restroom . 

* TMI warning * 

Since I’m not on birth control and I do take a blood thinner , that time of the month is very , extremely heavy for me . It just so happens that it’s that time of month right now. Why am I sharing this ? Well , ever since the morning I woke up to a bloody mess , I can’t stand to look at blood. Having my period every month is another reminder of losing Gracelynn . It’s a reminder that I’m not pregnant anymore . With my periods being so heavy due to my medication , seeing it instantly takes me back to the moment I first saw the blood that awful morning . I relive every single second . I replay everything in my head . I almost fear having my period now. That’s a crazy thing to be afraid of right?! 

So now that you know that about me .. moving on. 

I walked to the bathroom , and just stood in the stall . I stood there thinking. I thought about how happy that Mom looked . I thought about the baby . Her dark brown hair. I wondered if Gracelynn would have hair like that. She had so much dark brown hair already . I imagined for a second , what it would feel like to have Gracelynn with me . Nursing her . Having her sleep peacefully while she was wrapped against me . For a split second it almost felt real. I started to cry and instantly made myself stop. Today was about Harper . We were going to have a good time . And we did just that. I pulled myself together and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had an ounce of control over my mind. 

Moments like this just hit me. I don’t expect it . One day , something that really upsets me may not upset on another day. Grief is something you have to take day by day. I was so proud of myself today. Harper had me for the day. I always feel guilty about trying to give all three of them my attention. As I’ve said before , it’s hard to grieve for one child , when my other two children need their mom . I’m still struggling with this , and I probably always will . Today was a good day. Even though I started to crawl back into my cave of sadness , I stopped myself . I pulled myself together and it was a day all about Harper . A sliver of my old self came to light today . And for that , I’m thankful. 

So to anyone struggling with grief , know that one day , you will have the strength to pull yourself out of it. Even if it’s only for a couple hours during your daughters field trip. It’s possible , you just have to try. 

Until  next time ..

Tulips of Pink


** update**

After writing this post , I went to use the bathroom ( here we go with the personal stuff again)
I noticed that for the 5th time today , I’d bled through everything again. ( the first time being on the field trip. Thank you Whittney for the help ☺️) I sat there and cried uncontrollably for at least 10 minutes . Tyler came in to see what was wrong and I said “ I keep bleeding through everything . I hate this so much” he replied “ I know you do” and got me new underwear .
Harper then walked in and asked if I was okay . I told her I was just sad .
She looked at me and said “ you’re still so pretty though”

She has no idea how much I love her . I thank god for her everyday ❤️

P.S. I can’t believe after tomorrow , I’ll have a kindergartner!!

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