Tricky Business

Good morning readers ! It’s such a beautiful morning here at my house . Birds are chirping , the sun is shining , there is a cool breeze and I’m sitting on my front porch with Harper and Cole watching them play together.

I originally planned to write a different blog today . So bear with me as I jump around a little bit . I was planning on continuing my post from yesterday,  Once upon a Time. Instead , as I sit here with my kids , I decided to write about them . They have helped me smile through the tears , they given me joy and a headache at times. To be honest , they are the reason I get out of bed everyday .

One of my biggest struggles since losing Gracelynn has been guilt. Grief and guilt seem to go hand in hand . Dealing with the two can be tricky . I’ve cried because I couldn’t save her . As a mom , we would give our life to save our children . It’s our job to love them and protect them . The fact that I couldn’t save Gracelynn has been hard for me to cope with . I’m working on it , but it’s hard .

Another side of my guilt , Harper and Cole . I have cried many nights , feeling guilty for being sad . I’ve worried that I’m not being a good mom to them , because I’m grieving for Gracelynn. I’ve cried ( like major ugly cry ) to my husband many nights . I’ve thought , this isn’t fair . Losing her isn’t fair . Harper and Cole seeing me broken and sobbing isn’t fair . How can I be a good mom to them ? How can I be happy and normal with Harper and Cole when Gracelynn isn’t here with them ? How is that fair to her ?

When I was in the hospital , I met a women named Autumn . She has also experienced loss and runs the pregnancy and infant loss support group in my area . I have texted her many times about my feelings of guilt . I have asked is the normal ? What do I do? First off , she has been wonderful and I thank god every day that my mom found her . She is also another reason why I wanted to start this blog . Her story has helped me , and talking to someone that has been through this has helped me in more ways than one.

One night , I was texting her , my mom and my aunt . I vented to them , talking about my guilt , I was crying as I texted . I think this was one of my lowest moments . All three of them wrote me back and said the same thing . They said that Harper and Cole need to see me cry . They need to see that I miss Gracelynn. And they were right .

Of course Cole is not quite two yet, he doesn’t really understand . Harper is five , and she’s very wise and smart. We sheltered her a lot from what happened . She came to the hospital and saw me , Tyler and I told her then What had happened . We explained that Gracelynn went to heaven to be with my mamaw Vicki . It was heartbreaking to see her sad little face . We didn’t tell her that we had a funeral , I thought that was just too much for her .

We talk about Gracelynn every single day . Harper thinks it’s pretty cool that her baby sister is an angel . She thinks that Gracelynn is always playing tricks on her and moving her toys around . We remember her, Gracelynn is a part of our family . Every time we see a cardinal , we believe it’s Gracelynn popping in to say hi . We say a prayer every night , we tell her we love her and that we miss her . Harper is wise beyond her years and she helps me more than she will ever know . Hearing her talk about Gracelynn warms my heart . She loves her sister.

I’ve realized that my biggest fear is actually the one thing I have control over . I can talk to my kids about Gracelynn , we can grieve her loss together . We can carry on her memory . I encourage you to talk to your kids about loss . They need to know it’s okay to be sad . It’s okay to cry or be angry . It’s okay to be happy . Kids know more than you think . As much as we try to shelter them , they can read us grown ups like a book . They sense our emotions , they can see when we’re upset or something is bothering us . I’m not an expert in any way , but I do know that this helped our family .

The guilt still comes in small waves , but with the help of those around me , I am learning to cope . I’m so thankful that I have Harper and Cole . I’ve learned that it’s important for them to see me broken . Sometimes life is just shitty . It’s messy , it’s sad and wonderful . For me , it’s important to me that my kids see me at rock bottom , even if I’ve hung out there for a while . It’s important for them to see me get back up .

So here’s to everyone that gets out of bed everyday . To the ones who are at rock bottom , broken in a million pieces . It does get easier , you will be strong enough to pick some of those pieces back up one day . Coping with grief and guilt is a tricky business . Remember , There is no timeline for grief , take your time ❤️

Until next time ..

Tulips of Pink

        

Photo Credit : J Suerdick Photography