The funny thing about plans.

Good afternoon readers ! I hope your day is going well. It’s another beautiful  day today . Harper , Cole and I are enjoying the sunshine . It’s crazy how a sunny day can just make your day better isn’t it ? It’s funny , I actually used to prefer rainy days . Those of you who know me personally , know that I’m not really outdoorsy. I literally hate sweating . I feel like I stick to everything and it is just disgusting to be honest . Now , I find comfort in sunny days . Ever since losing Gracelynn, I hate rainy days . They make me sad and depressed . When the sun is shining , the kids and I are outside and I’m just happy . My favorite place to be is my front porch . Anyway , moving on to my actual post.

Today is actually my birthday . I’m 29 years old ! Celebrating my last year in my twenties isn’t exactly going as I had planned . A few months ago , I joked that I would be almost 9 months pregnant  and couldn’t enjoy a glass .. let’s be honest , a bottle of wine . A few months ago , I had plans . I’m a planner . I literally write everything down and carry a planner with me . I’m very scatterbrained and this is the only way I can function . I also have anxiety , so I like to stick to the plan. I used to hate change , it would make me so anxious.

When we found out I was pregnant , I knew I wanted to do things differently this time. I was induced with Harper and Cole both . I knew that I didn’t want that this time around , unless medically necessary of course. I had both Harper and Cole naturally and I felt pretty great after delivery . This time around , I wanted a peaceful labor and delivery . I wanted to experience my water breaking and going into labor . We decided to not find out the sex of the baby until delivery ( we also did this with Cole , it’s so fun and exciting ) . Tyler and I both decided that this would be our last baby , so I wanted to make everything special.

The funny thing about making plans , is nothing usually goes as planned . Around four something in the morning on Sunday , March 4th. We were at the hospital . Tyler and I had just been told that we had lost our baby . My mom arrived at the hospital, she had no idea what had happened , just that I was there . When she walked in the triage room where I was laying , I told her what had happened . The OB Doctor came in to confirm that the baby had passed and to see what was going on with me . As she was looking at the ultrasound, I asked the nurse what happens next ? She told me that I would be induced , go through labor and deliver the baby . Then , we would have to plan a funeral or cremation for the baby . My doctor quickly interrupted her , she said no , she’s going to have to have a cesarean. I just sat there , crying , feeling hopeless . In a matter of minutes my world fell apart . All of plans had changed . I wasn’t ready for this . I wasn’t planning on any of this happening .

So many things were happening . Nurses , doctors , people from registration , the lab and anesthesiologist were all in this small triage room at the same time . They were all talking , asking me questions , my mom and Tyler . I honestly have no idea what was really said to anyone . I remember telling the nurse I felt like I was going to pass out . She laid my bed back and had me bend my knees. Another nurse came in and started talking to Tyler about the c-section . She sat his stuff he had to change into on a chair across from me . Another nurse came in to put a catheter in . Let me just say , this was a very unpleasent task on my end . I remember her talking to me , but I couldn’t tell you what was said . The next thing I remember , was everyone diving in to stop my bleeding . I’m not really sure what happened , but there was blood everywhere . The doctor came in and said I needed to be put completely out , Tyler couldn’t come with me . This was now an emergency , I was losing too much blood. The last thing I remember was my mom and Tyler crying . They hugged me and told me they loved me . I told the doctor “ please don’t let me die , I have two kids at home who need me “

During my c-section , I was given quite a few units of blood ( around 4 or 5) I almost bled out , I almost died on the table . At 6:59 am on Sunday March 4, 2018 , Gracelynn Jane was born .

That’s the thing about plans . Nothing ever goes as planned . Life , God , or the universe has something else in store for you . Today is my birthday , I had planned on celebrating it differently . I planned to have a wonderful pregnancy . I had a birth plan . I had planned on having a healthy baby in June . Now , I look back and can’t believe how silly I was for thinking I’d actually have a say in how life would go . So now I’ve decided that I’m going to live each day as it comes . I’m not making plans . One day at a time is honestly the best I can do for right now . In the midst of all of the tragedy and sadness , a miracle did happen . I lived . I was given a second chance at life . I believe there is a reason for that.

So since it’s my birthday ( think of this as my present 😉)  , I ask that you just take a second at some point today and stop . Stop planning , stop worrying . Just take 5 minutes to enjoy the sunshine , your kids laughing . Take 5 minutes to just be thankful for life . Even though it’s messy , sometimes sad .. there is always joy somewhere . You just need to stop sometimes To find it ❤️

Until next time ...

Tulips of Pink

         

Photo Credit : Ann Fredricks

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