Goodbye.
Good morning readers ! It’s currently 4 am and I’m awake blogging . This next post I’m going to write , is one I’ve been dreading . To me , it’s the hardest one . I woke up around 3 am this morning, Gracelynn has been weighing heavy on my mind . I take medicine every night to help me sleep , usually it works well , but today it’s not. Everyone else is sleeping , so I’m just enjoying the quiet.
I think about Gracelynn every single day . I say her name every day . I talk about what happened , I talk a out her all of the time . I know I make people uncomfortable sometimes , but talking about her helps me . It keeps her memory alive . There is one thing I don’t talk about . Actually I try to just not think about it at all.
Goodbye.
The day of Gracelynn ‘s funeral . It was a cold and windy day . Tyler and I had just arrived to the funeral home . We waited in the car for a few minutes then decided to go in . Our parents and family were on there way. At this point , I was still having trouble walking . My legs were so sore and swollen. I didn’t take any of my pain medication that morning . I didn’t want to be loopy or sleepy. Tyler and I walked in , I grabbed a box of tissues , and continued to hold my myself together . As we walked through the door and into the main room , there sat the podium . It had the guest book sitting on it . A picture of a teddy bear was on the front . The closer we got to the next room , the weaker I felt.
As I walked into the room , I instantly started crying . It’s was a gush of tears . I looked up that the front of the room . There sat a little tiny casket . White with a blanket of pink roses . To the right , was a beautiful blue vase filled with pink tulips ( that my aunt searched the county and surrounding areas to find ) . There were a few other flowers from my sister , the hair salon I go to and a beautiful stone my mom and Janet got for our garden . The room was quiet , it was just tyler , Mike ( funeral home director ) and myself .
Nothing can ever prepare you for this moment . That moment when you see that tiny little casket sitting at the front of the room . It looked out of place , like it’s too small for that space . It just didn’t belong there . Ask I walked up to her , I laid my hands on the casket . I just cried . I sobbed uncontrollably. Tyler stood next to me , holding on to my back . His head was down , but I could see the tears in eyes . How he held himself together is beyond me. After a few minutes , I asked if I could just see her . Mike was kind enough to open the casket for me .
She looked like an angel . The white silk lining , she was wrapped in a beautiful white shawl , my mom and Janet had dressed her in a beautiful pink dress . The dress was actually my sister Sarah’s, when she was a premie . It was a pale pink with white lace . She was laying on one of my baby blankets . My stepdad, John had a bracelet made for her . It was dainty and small . Silver in color with a G engraved . My friend Bethany ‘s Mom , made a tiny little diaper for Gracelynn to wear . She looked so beautiful. Like a sleeping baby .
My mom and John arrived , they came into the room with us . I started crying to her because I couldn’t hold Gracelynn again. She said “ well we can get her out , you can hold her “ they pulled up a chair for and handed her to me . I held her so tight , I didn’t want to let go . I kept saying I’m so sorry over and over as cried . I couldn’t save her and I just felt so much guilt . I held her for a while , until our family and friends arrived .
There weren’t a bunch of flowers , I had asked that instead of flowers , I wanted donations to be made in Gracelynn ‘s name , to the local pregnancy and infant loss support group. Thank you to all that donated , you have no idea how much it means to us and the families it will help.
A pastor that lives down the road from us was kind enough to speak at her funeral. I had asked that he did . He spoke at my grandmas funeral and did a wonderful job. He’s the kind of person who can just make you feel better . He has the ability to make you laugh and cry at the same time . When he speaks to you , he doesn’t preach , he talks . He talks about life , the joy and the sadness . The words he spoke to us that day were beautiful. Something that he shared , has helped me every day since . He said , Gracelynn never knew pain or sadness . The only thing she knew was love that I had her for her . I remind myself of that every day . It helps sometimes .
So many of friends and family came . My body was sore after hugging everyone . Tyler’s cousin, Kate and my cousin , Jane were kind enough to share poems . Beautiful music played . The room was filled with heartache , sadness and tears . The room was also filled with so much love . Though she was only here for a moment , she really did leave a lifetime of love for so many . It’s just an unnatural
thing for a baby to die . It’s unnatural for a parent to have to burry their child .
As the room cleared out , our family stayed with us . They closed the doors and it was time to say goodbye . I stood at her casket . I cried . And cried some more . ( and I’m crying again right now ) Tyler tried to get me to sit down , but I wouldn’t . My grandpa kept asking me to sit and brought up a chair . He stood next to me and patted my back , he said “she’ll be alright , she’ll be okay “ but still I didn’t move . Tyler tried again, I just kept saying “ I can’t leave her , she’s just a baby . We can’t leave her alone” I said it over and over . Finally John , my stepdad came up to me . He hugged me , I could feel his tears on my cheek. He said to me “ Haylli , that’s not Gracelynn, it’s just her body . She’s already in heaven , she’s already there and she’s okay . This just something for you to say goodbye to” I finally kissed her one more time and told her I loved her . Tyler placed one of the pink tulips in with her . He carried her out of the funeral home and everyone followed in line to the cemetery for graveside services .
It was so cold and windy . The grass was muddy . People were helping me walk through so I didn’t slip and fall . I sat down under the tent , front and center . Everyone gathered around as Tyler carried her in . There sat a little white casket , with a blanket of beautiful pink roses . After a prayer was said . I started sobbing , I kneeled down on the cold ,wet ground . I took one of her roses and placed it on my grandmas grave and asked her to please take good care of Gracelynn.
After the services, everyone went to my moms for dinner . There was tons of food . I was actually able to eat. Having people around was wonderful . I realized then , I had some sort of closure . Gracelynn was safe , she was in heaven and could rest peacefully with the angles . That gave me comfort .
Now we are looking forward to getting her stone set this month . Harper and I are planning our flowers to plant there , and for our memorial garden at home . We are pretty excited about this project .
When we got home that Friday night , I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept much the night before , and I was just emotionally tired. I actually slept through the night that night.
That day , it was the hardest day of my life . I’m usually a strong person . I usually am able to compose myself . Not that day . That day , I was a total mess . I was broken into a million pieces . I had never felt so much heart ache in my life .
There was nothing I could have done to prepare myself for this . A parent having to burry their child is just an unnatural thing .
Until next time ..
Tulips of Pink
🌷
*please Subscribe , Comment and Share ! 👍
Connect with me on Facebook and Instagram @tulipsofpink
If you have a story to share , or simply just need someone to talk to . I would love to hear from you ! Send me an email hayllismith5@gmail.com
If you are interested in making a donation to the Athens Area Pregnancy and Infant loss support group , please email me ! hayllismith5@gmail.com
Have a blessed weekend ❤️
I think about Gracelynn every single day . I say her name every day . I talk about what happened , I talk a out her all of the time . I know I make people uncomfortable sometimes , but talking about her helps me . It keeps her memory alive . There is one thing I don’t talk about . Actually I try to just not think about it at all.
Goodbye.
The day of Gracelynn ‘s funeral . It was a cold and windy day . Tyler and I had just arrived to the funeral home . We waited in the car for a few minutes then decided to go in . Our parents and family were on there way. At this point , I was still having trouble walking . My legs were so sore and swollen. I didn’t take any of my pain medication that morning . I didn’t want to be loopy or sleepy. Tyler and I walked in , I grabbed a box of tissues , and continued to hold my myself together . As we walked through the door and into the main room , there sat the podium . It had the guest book sitting on it . A picture of a teddy bear was on the front . The closer we got to the next room , the weaker I felt.
As I walked into the room , I instantly started crying . It’s was a gush of tears . I looked up that the front of the room . There sat a little tiny casket . White with a blanket of pink roses . To the right , was a beautiful blue vase filled with pink tulips ( that my aunt searched the county and surrounding areas to find ) . There were a few other flowers from my sister , the hair salon I go to and a beautiful stone my mom and Janet got for our garden . The room was quiet , it was just tyler , Mike ( funeral home director ) and myself .
Nothing can ever prepare you for this moment . That moment when you see that tiny little casket sitting at the front of the room . It looked out of place , like it’s too small for that space . It just didn’t belong there . Ask I walked up to her , I laid my hands on the casket . I just cried . I sobbed uncontrollably. Tyler stood next to me , holding on to my back . His head was down , but I could see the tears in eyes . How he held himself together is beyond me. After a few minutes , I asked if I could just see her . Mike was kind enough to open the casket for me .
She looked like an angel . The white silk lining , she was wrapped in a beautiful white shawl , my mom and Janet had dressed her in a beautiful pink dress . The dress was actually my sister Sarah’s, when she was a premie . It was a pale pink with white lace . She was laying on one of my baby blankets . My stepdad, John had a bracelet made for her . It was dainty and small . Silver in color with a G engraved . My friend Bethany ‘s Mom , made a tiny little diaper for Gracelynn to wear . She looked so beautiful. Like a sleeping baby .
My mom and John arrived , they came into the room with us . I started crying to her because I couldn’t hold Gracelynn again. She said “ well we can get her out , you can hold her “ they pulled up a chair for and handed her to me . I held her so tight , I didn’t want to let go . I kept saying I’m so sorry over and over as cried . I couldn’t save her and I just felt so much guilt . I held her for a while , until our family and friends arrived .
There weren’t a bunch of flowers , I had asked that instead of flowers , I wanted donations to be made in Gracelynn ‘s name , to the local pregnancy and infant loss support group. Thank you to all that donated , you have no idea how much it means to us and the families it will help.
A pastor that lives down the road from us was kind enough to speak at her funeral. I had asked that he did . He spoke at my grandmas funeral and did a wonderful job. He’s the kind of person who can just make you feel better . He has the ability to make you laugh and cry at the same time . When he speaks to you , he doesn’t preach , he talks . He talks about life , the joy and the sadness . The words he spoke to us that day were beautiful. Something that he shared , has helped me every day since . He said , Gracelynn never knew pain or sadness . The only thing she knew was love that I had her for her . I remind myself of that every day . It helps sometimes .
So many of friends and family came . My body was sore after hugging everyone . Tyler’s cousin, Kate and my cousin , Jane were kind enough to share poems . Beautiful music played . The room was filled with heartache , sadness and tears . The room was also filled with so much love . Though she was only here for a moment , she really did leave a lifetime of love for so many . It’s just an unnatural
thing for a baby to die . It’s unnatural for a parent to have to burry their child .
As the room cleared out , our family stayed with us . They closed the doors and it was time to say goodbye . I stood at her casket . I cried . And cried some more . ( and I’m crying again right now ) Tyler tried to get me to sit down , but I wouldn’t . My grandpa kept asking me to sit and brought up a chair . He stood next to me and patted my back , he said “she’ll be alright , she’ll be okay “ but still I didn’t move . Tyler tried again, I just kept saying “ I can’t leave her , she’s just a baby . We can’t leave her alone” I said it over and over . Finally John , my stepdad came up to me . He hugged me , I could feel his tears on my cheek. He said to me “ Haylli , that’s not Gracelynn, it’s just her body . She’s already in heaven , she’s already there and she’s okay . This just something for you to say goodbye to” I finally kissed her one more time and told her I loved her . Tyler placed one of the pink tulips in with her . He carried her out of the funeral home and everyone followed in line to the cemetery for graveside services .
It was so cold and windy . The grass was muddy . People were helping me walk through so I didn’t slip and fall . I sat down under the tent , front and center . Everyone gathered around as Tyler carried her in . There sat a little white casket , with a blanket of beautiful pink roses . After a prayer was said . I started sobbing , I kneeled down on the cold ,wet ground . I took one of her roses and placed it on my grandmas grave and asked her to please take good care of Gracelynn.
After the services, everyone went to my moms for dinner . There was tons of food . I was actually able to eat. Having people around was wonderful . I realized then , I had some sort of closure . Gracelynn was safe , she was in heaven and could rest peacefully with the angles . That gave me comfort .
Now we are looking forward to getting her stone set this month . Harper and I are planning our flowers to plant there , and for our memorial garden at home . We are pretty excited about this project .
When we got home that Friday night , I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept much the night before , and I was just emotionally tired. I actually slept through the night that night.
That day , it was the hardest day of my life . I’m usually a strong person . I usually am able to compose myself . Not that day . That day , I was a total mess . I was broken into a million pieces . I had never felt so much heart ache in my life .
There was nothing I could have done to prepare myself for this . A parent having to burry their child is just an unnatural thing .
Until next time ..
Tulips of Pink
🌷
*please Subscribe , Comment and Share ! 👍
Connect with me on Facebook and Instagram @tulipsofpink
If you have a story to share , or simply just need someone to talk to . I would love to hear from you ! Send me an email hayllismith5@gmail.com
If you are interested in making a donation to the Athens Area Pregnancy and Infant loss support group , please email me ! hayllismith5@gmail.com
Have a blessed weekend ❤️
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