Due.

Good morning readers ! Happy Thursday .Happy one month of blogging to me ! Again , I thank all of you for allowing me to do this ! You all are amazing.   For the past two weeks , I have been working on my website (day and night) I have never built a website before .. and now I know why. There is so much that goes into it. I consider myself a tech savvy person. I mean I’m the one that gets called out to fix computers , WiFi , phones , printers .. you name it . My family calls me . This however is a totally different ballgame than just troubleshooting. I’m teaching myself how to do it , I’ve joined groups of other bloggers for help and support , I’ve read articles and how to posts . I’m so thankful to have these resources , I’d be lost without them. Anyway , I’m about 85% finished so .. tulipsofpink.com will be launching soon!! Don’t worry though , everything will still be same and nothing will change for my readers . 

Due. 

Today is June 7th . Today is my due date . I’ve been dreading this day . The past couple weeks have been hard , I know today will be even harder . This world just isn’t fair. I will never understand why things happen the way they do. I’ve been told several times that once my due date came , another wave of grief would come with it . I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past week , last night I was up a million times . I literally felt sick to my stomach . Isn’t that strange how grieving takes a toll on your body , not only mentally but physically as well . I feel tired all of the time , I mean I could literally sleep all day if I could . 

Yesterday , my mom , Ava , Emily , Rayleigh, Holden and the kids and I went to the park that’s close to my house . It was such a nice day . Actually it was pretty chilly , but nice . The kids played , we had a picnic there . I snuggled my nephew the whole time and Cole of course took his clothes off . He’s ALL boy ! As I sat there holding Holden , part of me just wanted to cry . I’ve said before that other babies usually don’t make sad , but for some reason yesterday .. a part of me was . 

In a perfect world , I probably would have already had Gracelynn by now . Harper and Cole both were born about 2 weeks before my due date . In a perfect world , I would have a healthy baby girl right now to snuggle . Part of me is still angry and I think I always will be . Even when you accept the fact that your loved one is gone , I think a sliver of anger always stays with you . Maybe that’s just me though. Yesterday as I held Holden I just felt a little sad and happy at the same time . It’s a weird feeling and hard to explain. This world is just unfair sometimes. I’m up all night sad and crying , in a perfect world I’d be taking care of my baby . I’m tired all the time and emotionally exhausted. In a perfect world, I’d be feeling that way because I had just had a baby. Every single day I find myself wishing for that perfect world . I constantly compare reality to my dream. That in itself is exhausting. 

Tomorrow marks four years since my grandma passed . It’s always a sad day for my family . I miss her so much . She was everything to me . I’m so thankful for the special bond we had . She was a strong women , and I don’t even think she knew it( I told you , strong women run in my family ) .  If I close my eyes I can still see the way she would light up when my grandpa walked in the room. I dream of her often , very vivid dreams . I know I sound crazy but I truly believe that it’s her visiting me. One night , I dreamed that she was sitting on my couch watching Cole and I sleep . I had just had Cole . I told her she could hold him and she said “ no I’ll just watch him sleep” I woke up instantly thinking someone was there . I could literally feel her hand on my leg , rubbing it softly . I woke Tyler up and told him about my dream . He said I probably wasn’t dreaming . And to this day , I don’t think I was . 

Speaking of dreams , I haven’t dreamed of Gracelynn. For some reason , it really bothers me . I just want to hold her in my dreams or have that comfort that I get from dreaming of mamaw . I know that sounds strange . When I fall asleep at night , I think about my perfect world . I fall asleep crying and hoping that is what I’ll dream about , but I never do. If any of my readers know anything about this topic , please , please contact me . I love learning about what your dreams mean and how to train yourself . Weird ? Maybe .. but it’s so interesting ! 

Tonight , we have our support group meeting . I’m so thankful for that. It couldn’t have come at a better time . I’m sure it will be an emotional evening , and I’m sure that I will have a long night ahead of me . Maybe tonight , I’ll finally dream of Gracelynn. 

Until next time ...

Tulips of Pink 

 

Our pregnancy announcement 

photo credit J Suerdick Photography 

Jenni is amazing at what she does . Click above to check out her work and to book a session!  

 If you have a story to share , I want to hear from you ! 

Email Me: hayllismith@tulipsofpink.com 

 Content and Photos Owned and Created by Haylli Smith { tulipsofpink.com}