Lost.

Good morning readers ! First off , I’d like to apologize for going MIA . The past few months have been rough to say the least . My positive outlook , joy and strength were replaced with anger , depression and feeling lost . I basically shut down . My husband has hounded me so many times to write again , but I felt as though I had nothing to share . I was mad at everyone - pushed people away and felt as though I had no purpose . I felt like I was failing - as a mother , a wife and friend . Basically , I was just down right  hateful. 

Grief . It comes in many forms . Most people think it’s tears - sadness and a broken heart . That is just the face of grief .. behind the tear filled eyes is a whole other dimension . It’s dark and not pleasant . It’s a scary place to be . It’s a place that no one wants to see - or let alone , feel. I think of it as being lost at sea - thrown around by waves of sadness and fear . You can’t see the light or joy . You feel lost and alone . You feel trapped in a sense . Wanting to move , but you can’t . Wanting to take a deep breath , but you can’t . This is the side of grief that no one likes to talk about . This is the side of grief  that judgement always seems to find its way to . It’s a horrible place to be . 

I am finally coming out of it - it is possible. It’s hard and exhausting but possible. The past few months , I haven’t been myself - not anywhere close . I’ve basically given up on everything . But , by the grace of God , help from my family and friends and time .. I’ve become stronger . 

I have received quite a bit of judgement for how I have handled things . My ability to be a good mother and wife have been questioned by some . While some things that were brought to my attention were absolutely 100 percent correct , the judgement that came with it wasn’t really needed . I have been a far from perfect mother . Trying to find that balance of grieving for a child , while still being a mom to your other kids is hard. And I am by no means , even close to figuring that out . It’s a daily struggle of mine . 

While things have been pretty difficult and uncertain- I make sure that everyday I get out of bed . Even when I feel so depressed that it physically hurts- I still get up. I make sure my kids know that I love them - I make sure my husband knows that I’m trying . I pray that tomorrow will be better , that I will be better . I make sure that in some way , I let my family know that I am still here . I’m not completely lost . I’m just on the other side of grief , trying to find my way back. 

Today , marks 6 months since we lost our baby. Today is a sad day . I was up a lot last night , thinking of every moment of that day . From putting on my yoga pants and favorite ripped hoodie ( that has since been burned ) and rushing to the hospital , to leaving the hospital 3 days later with no baby to bring home . It doesn’t get any easier . I still wonder  maybe if I had done something different , maybe if I would have woke up sooner , maybe things would be different . It’s a never ending cycle . A part of me , a part of our family will always be missing . Learning to live with that .. it’s not something I know how to do .  

Last night I decided to write again . I think it’s important for others to know that it’s okay to get lost , it’s okay to be in a dark place and it’s okay to just stay there for a while . But try not to stay to long. If you are the lucky one , who has never lost a child , please do not judge a grieving parent . You have no idea how hard it is for them to get out of bed everyday . You have no idea where their mind wonders . You have no idea how lost they may feel . Be kind to them , their hearts break a little more each day . You don’t know the strength it takes to hide all of your sadness and fear behind a simple smile . There are many forms of grief ,  there are different battles we fight daily and there is no room for judgement . Honestly , until you have buried your child - you won’t understand . You may think we’ve lost our mind , you may think we’ve given up . But in reality we are just lost . We are trying so hard to find our way back . We just need time . 

Tonight , we will be spending time at Gracelynn’s grave - it’s a difficult place to be for us . I wonder if it will ever get easier , just like everything else , im doubting it does . I hope that she always knows how much she is loved and how much she is missed . 

Until next time .. 

Tulips of Pink